There was a time when those words were popular. I think there’s a clothing line also that carries that name.  I always admire people who are fearless, who have all this confidence in themselves.  I marvel at some people who can easily entertain and capture the attention of a big audience.  Last Thursday, I was able to conquer one of my greatest fear…and I feel very proud of myself after feeling so bad and lousy first of course.

Every month our school holds a catechetical mass for our students (by students I mean the pesky, cute and frustrating 7-9 year olds).  Of course during mass somebody has to do the first reading other than the priest.  In all of my three years stay in that school, I’ve never dared snatched the bible, go up the podium and read in front of the whole congregation. I automatically close my eyes or pretend that I am praying ferverently when I see the one in charge looking for somebody to read when I attend the 12 noon mass.   Call it stage fright, altar fright or whatever..call me a chicken, a sissy or a ninny but nothing or nobody can force me to go up there (oh Sh@!*t!) and read the passage.  Until last Thursday.  I guess because i was cornered by one of the heads of our department when a girlfriend and I were having our favorite pastime in our pantry. She broke the news that I was going to do the first reading in two seconds flat while my mouth was stuffed full of food so I didn’t have time to protest right away! And when I finally did she dropped the bombshell-killer line, “Its bad to turn your back from the grace of god”  hmm, i almost heard Moses’ voice over and almost got a glimpse of the two stone tablets ready to fall on my head if I so much as say a big NO WAY.  So in short I was bullied.

Man, i had a stressful night just thinking about it.  I was complaining and venting out my frustrations with my co-teachers who were carpooling with me, prompting them to say, ‘parang di ka teacher ah, magbabasa ka lang takot ka pa!’ I almost run over a pesky bike rider in my frustration.  Let me tell you, teaching inside the classroom to a bunch of kids and reading the holy word of God in front of these nagpapaka-holy little and big girls inside the holy church in the presence of the holy priest with not a sound but your voice booming out from the holy mike (oh wait that’s not holy!) ARE TO-TA-LLY- DIF-FE-RENT  FROM EACH OTHEEERRR! Hay, and from then on they ceased to be my friends! nah, just kidding.  My  preggy passenger/co teacher I guess got scared thinking i might not pick her up ever again and so she dangled in front of my very eyes this yummy chocolate muffin and promised to give it to me if i read the passage really well.  That cheered me up.

And so the mass started, I got my whole advisory class  behind me, literally not figuratively speaking, because they were seated at my back.  I briefed them before the mass, I told them if i mispronounce any word I don’t want to hear snickers or laughter or side comment or else, I’ll roast them alive in class.  When it was my turn to read, I slowly climbed up the podium and arranged the mike and read the passage.  A certain calmness washed over me.  I don’t know but how I pictured it in my mind, that’s how it happened.  I wasn’t conscious of everybody, it was just me and the bible.  And then the shaking of my hands slowly started until I can feel my whole arm shaking.  But my voice, the words from the holy bible, was calm.  God was with me the whole time.  I realized he guided me the best way he knows how.  Giving me the calmness and strength that I needed to read the passage through but at the same time reminding me that I have to do the rest for his glory.  And I did.  Up to the responsorial psalm.  When I returned to my seat, with this big pride in my heart and a picture of my husband in my mind giving me a pat in the back like what he told me to think, I suddenly crashed back down to earth from cloud nine.  Why?  I saw Fr. Belarmino, the officiating priest, waving discreetly at me on the side of the podium and smiling his silly smile in a way that told me he saw the shaking of my arms and hands (or was is just my imagination?!).  And then I realized that I accidentally carried the bible with me when I should have left it in the podium for the gospel.  Oh well, whoever says you can get it perfect the first time?!  Just so glad it was over and realized after that the next time around I would gladly do it again.

Oftentimes, we always let our fear consume and control us. It sometimes holds us back from letting ourselves feel and experience some wonderful things.  It keeps us from growing and learning new things.  I learned that if we just take that one great risk and face our greatest fear, we will be able to realize how far we can go and how truly great we can be. But of course, not right away you will be able to conquer it, because oftentimes we let this fear get to be so big, it is sometimes larger than our life.  But always remember that the saddest things in life are to forever be trapped inside your fear and be forever confined in your comfort zone. You will never know how liberating life it can be unless you venture out of your comfort zone, face your fear and deal with it head on…so…SAY NO TO FEAR…